Friday, March 20, 2009

Dreaming of Dad

In my dream last night, things were completely chaotic. Nothing was quite right and, when I tried to talk to people about it, they simply looked at me incredulously. Despite my conviction that everything felt wrong, I was powerless. In the midst of this confusion and frustration, I started asking everyone if they knew where my Dad was. I moved from room to room searching for him. One room held his shirt, another his hat, and a third his coat. Each time I came across one of his things, a sense of calm came over me. I felt this serenity, as if everything would be okay. I imagined his face, the scent of him, his arms around me, and I felt safe. He was just out of my reach everywhere I went, but knowing he was near brought me comfort.

Every once and awhile, I have dreams about my Dad - he's suddenly reappeared and I go to tell people, but no one believes me, or we spend the day together, then I wake up and he's gone, or I finally find him, then wake up before I reach him. Waking up from these dreams always leaves me feeling as though I've lost him again. It's heartbreaking.

This morning was different. Since my father has been gone 15 years, I can find it difficult to recall his face. I saw him distinctly in this dream. Even though I didn't interact with him, he felt so real to me. I was truly comforted simply recalling him. I woke up feeling content.

As I was nursing Ezra in the wee hours, I thought of my dream and the impact my father had on my life. I remember thinking my dad was simply wonderful - I loved to sit with him, laugh with him, talk things over with him. Being his daughter made me feel safe, loved, and happy. I loved the timbre of his voice, the scent of his cologne, the way it felt to hold his hand. I know he wasn't perfect, but I thought he was wonderful. Ella looks up at her Dad with the same feeling in her eyes and I love it.


Annalise said...

What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing your dream with us. It made me miss my Dad, I almost started crying. I'll have to call him today, it's been a while. I should call him every day and not take for granted that he's around and a part of my life.

Keely said...

I dream about my mom often too. Especially when I'm pregnant. I have had some pretty amazing dreams where I believe my mom is trying to tell me something.
It's comforting to know that our family members still live and that they are closer to us than maybe we realize.

Mert said...

I have these kinds of dreams about people who are still alive, but out of my life now. I can't even imagine how it would feel if it were a case of not being able to reach them. I remember my mom had a similar dream about Grandma after she died and Grandpa was ready to marry Dorothy. Grandma led her to a room and told her that the more Dorothy received and the happier she was, the happier Grandma would be. This is a nice post; thanks for sharing.