It's Not About Me

Recently, I've found some of my old insecurities creeping up. I had a few experiences that brought them to the forefront again and a sort of domino effect happened. I don't blame anyone for this - it's simply a reaction I'm having. The older I get, the more I believe that people don't "make" us feel a certain way. We're responsible for how we react and respond to others.

That's part of the problem with these old insecurities - they cause me to doubt myself, worry too much, and focus on the wrong things. So, instead of taking ownership of my behavior and my responses, I fret over other people's responses. I think, "She seems frustrated. Did I do something?" or "I don't think he gets what I'm saying. I should go over it again so he understands me." or "Does she like me?"

Whenever I find myself doing this, I realize my thinking is all reversed. My insecurities have made it all about me. I should think, "She seems frustrated. I should see how she's doing." or "I'm not sure we're understanding each other. I should make sure I understand what he's trying to say." or "I should get to know her better."

None of us our perfect. I'm certainly not. And I think the qualities some people love the most about me are the ones others hate the most about me. But, honestly, when I've applied the "It's Not About Me" philosophy to my life, this hasn't seemed to matter too much. While I don't want to be best friends with everyone I meet, I like just about everyone I meet with this attitude. I give them the benefit of the doubt, expect the best of them, and interact with them honestly. And, when you're doing this, other people seem to respond in turn.

With my insecurities and worries leading me by the leash, I've found myself involved in more misunderstandings, my feelings are more easily hurt, and I doubt my own intentions. Today, I wondered why I was choosing this for myself. What good is the atonement if I can't forgive myself? What good are friendships if I don't trust my friends to see the good in me? What good is progression if you're focused on the past?

I know that I will inevitably put my foot in my mouth in the future. I am sure to seem conceited or to be misunderstood. I will surely unintentionally say or do something hurtful. But my blunders don't need to define me - and they only will if I make them all about me. So, today I felt the need to express this so I could see it written out, acknowledge it, and move on. Ironically, this post entitled, "It's Not About Me" is written for me.

Dreaming of Dad

In my dream last night, things were completely chaotic. Nothing was quite right and, when I tried to talk to people about it, they simply looked at me incredulously. Despite my conviction that everything felt wrong, I was powerless. In the midst of this confusion and frustration, I started asking everyone if they knew where my Dad was. I moved from room to room searching for him. One room held his shirt, another his hat, and a third his coat. Each time I came across one of his things, a sense of calm came over me. I felt this serenity, as if everything would be okay. I imagined his face, the scent of him, his arms around me, and I felt safe. He was just out of my reach everywhere I went, but knowing he was near brought me comfort.

Every once and awhile, I have dreams about my Dad - he's suddenly reappeared and I go to tell people, but no one believes me, or we spend the day together, then I wake up and he's gone, or I finally find him, then wake up before I reach him. Waking up from these dreams always leaves me feeling as though I've lost him again. It's heartbreaking.

This morning was different. Since my father has been gone 15 years, I can find it difficult to recall his face. I saw him distinctly in this dream. Even though I didn't interact with him, he felt so real to me. I was truly comforted simply recalling him. I woke up feeling content.

As I was nursing Ezra in the wee hours, I thought of my dream and the impact my father had on my life. I remember thinking my dad was simply wonderful - I loved to sit with him, laugh with him, talk things over with him. Being his daughter made me feel safe, loved, and happy. I loved the timbre of his voice, the scent of his cologne, the way it felt to hold his hand. I know he wasn't perfect, but I thought he was wonderful. Ella looks up at her Dad with the same feeling in her eyes and I love it.

I'm a Ballerina!

Ella has been a complete ball of energy this week! She seems to be making up for the 24 hours spent in a hospital bed. Every once in awhile, she'll start twirling and singing a made up tune. She declares, "I'm a ballerina!" Most days, she chooses a dress to wear now. I thought she'd want to wear cozy clothes on Sunday after being sick. This was not the case: we put the skirt on as a way to appease the prima ballerina. I'm also amazed at her ability to walk in heels - I swear she's better at it than I am!

Our Weekend at the Hospital

We finally got settled in and the nurse brought some cookies.

Ella woke up at about 12:30 am calling for Mommy on Thursday night. When I went to check on her, her breathing was labored and she clearly didn't feel well. She'd had a runny nose the past few days, but nothing terrible. Tim and I were up with her most of the night holding her while she coughed, took quick breaths, and occasionally threw up. We felt so bad for her. Tim stayed home from work with Ezra and I took Ella into the doctor as soon as they had an appointment. They immediately saw she her breathing was labored and checked her oxygen level. It was low, so they gave her a breathing treatment. This helped, but they were concerned about her, so they admitted her to the hospital. Luckily, the pediatrician's office is in the same building, so we were able to bring her to the hospital with little fuss. She had to have oxygen, x-rays, and an IV - she struggled at first, but then relaxed a bit.

Ella did very well considering the oxygen in her nose and the IV in her hand. She took to calling the cords attached to her "snakes." She made friends with the nurses and other staff, singing songs and talking with them. The volunteer group Project Lynus gave her a Raggedy Ann blanket and she looked so sweet snuggling the blanky and her little bunny.

The medicine in the breathing treatments actually made her quite hyper at times and she alternated between being very talkative and wanting to be "all done" to being extremely sleepy. The doctor said her case of pneumonia is not severe and we were so grateful she only had to spend one night in the hospital. We were able to bring her home about 3 pm Saturday and are now administering antibiotics and breathing treatments.

This was definitely a scary experience as a parent, but I am so grateful for good doctors and nurses and for caring friends. We were so appreciative of the cards Ella's friends made, the dinner our friend bought for us, the friend who cared for Ezra, and the books and movies brought to entertain our little girl. While it would have been ideal to be near family at a time like this, we couldn't have asked for better friends!

I am so happy to have my sweet little girl home now full of energy and life. She is clearly happy to be out of the hospital bed and free to move around. Her 2nd cousin Brynne came by this afternoon to see her and she was simply in heaven. It is such a blessing that we caught the pneumonia early and that she is recovering so quickly!

I'm so glad we had the DVD player to provide a distraction.

After being poked and prodded, it was so sweet to see her smile.

Brynne drew Ella a picture and sent her a card. Ella loved it and kept saying "This is Brynne and Ella."

She wanted to color on the picture too.

Things weren't always this cheery, but she was such a trooper. She is settled in here and hyper from the breathing treatment.

This is one of her more relaxed moments, resting on Daddy's legs and watching tv.

I brought her fruit snacks and she was so happy!

These pictures are from her last breathing treatment right before heading home.

She was "catching" the air. Sometimes she would say "it smells good."

Now she's releasing the air.

She sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with Cindy, the specialist who helped with her breathing treatment. She then sang her, "I Know My Father Lives."


Here's Ezra hanging with Daddy at the hospital. He did so well considering the confusion and being separated from Mom more than usual.

Here's a few memories I have from our stay:
* Ella barely fussed about anything except having the oxygen in her nose. She didn't even make much noise about getting her blood drawn or the IV in her arm.
* She wanted Mommy close by and didn't like it when I held Ezra.
* She called the tubes connected to her "snakes."
* When she was energetic, she'd want to leave her bed and would say, "All dumb (done)."
* When she slept, she slept deeply. She slept right through most breathing treatments and getting her temperature taken.
* Her bursts of energy were crazy and hilarious.
* She's been talking well for a long time, but she spoke so clearly and in full sentences so much of the time.
* She was simply a sweetheart and did so well for such a little girl.

A Haircut and Tummy Time

There's quite a few pictures with this post, but I thought the story of Ella's haircut was so cute.

Tim went to our friend's house to get his hair cut last night and Kendra was nice enough to trim Ella's hair as well.
I was at Young Women's, so Tim took some photos for me.

This is such a typical face.

They must have said just the right thing to her.


Faces in the mirror.

What a big girl!

I love this one! The final results.

Here's the haircut after the bath this morning. She was reading, so she didn't want to stop for a picture.

Ezra is developing fantastic head control. Here's a few "tummy time" pictures from yesterday.

"TSPs"

I changed my status on Facebook Friday morning and said I loved the sunny day, that it was Friday, Ezra's bright eyes, and Ella's red polka-dot dress. A friend I'd connected to from high school commented on my status. Rosemary told me that she and her friends call these "TSPs" or "Today's Simple Pleasures" and they text them to each other. What a wonderful idea!

As I was teaching Young Women's today, we talked about our divine roles as wives and mothers. The lesson talked about how our attitude affects everything we do and how keeping an eternal perspective helps us see joy in the everyday. I loved this concept and thought it tied in so well with my friend's "TSPs." I find that it can change a hectic day or frustrating moment to stop and take in the simple pleasures around me.

*Side Note: I had to take a break from my blog because Ella decided to brush Ezra's teeth with her toothbrush. Poor baby!

Here are a few photos of the kids from Friday (2 of the people responsible for so many of the TSPs in my life).


Ella decided to pose this way for the pictures.

I especially love these two with her big grin!




Ezra is fascinated by his sister and loves to watch her. Tonight they had a great time playing with her balloon - until she decided to brush his teeth!



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Finding Joy in Today

Having two children seems to have increased my mommy guilt exponentially. Some days, it feels like there's simply not enough of me to go around. Mostly, though, I just remember how Ella seemed to receive so much more constant attention when she was small. I, of course, recognize that this is just the reality of two. Both kids get plenty of love, affection, and attention, but mommy guilt is so unreasonable. When mommy guilt assails me, I am so grateful for wonderful family and friends, as well as my faith, that always help me put life into perspective.

I help to lead the Young Women's program at church (for 12 to 17 year-olds), which includes teaching Sunday lessons. This year, we've really been focusing on our divine nature and divine roles as women. While these lessons are valuable for the young women, they have meant so much to me. We've discussed finding joy today, the importance of our roles as homemakers (and how all family members contribute), and making decisions now that will bring future happiness. All of these topics feel so timely for me and have truly helped to keep perspective and enjoy today. I am so grateful for this!

Tim looked at me the other night after Ella did something especially adorable and he was was so tickled by her. We shared one of those, "Don't you just love being a parent?" moments. I then proceeded to write 3 pages in my journal describing all of the adorable things I love that my children do right now. It was incredible detailing all of the ways they delight me. My life is certainly not glamarous, but it is filled with such sweetness and light.